This weekend was so bad yet so good.

This weekend was so bad yet so good.

I really did enjoy what I ate this weekend. But of course I feel terrible, because it wasn’t healthy, WAY too much fat and salt, and being fat is terrible and blahblahblah. Buuuut, yeah. I did enjoy it. I still binge eat and sometimes I really like binge eating. A lot of the time, it feels way more worth it to binge and be fat, than to not binge and be a normal weight. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t binge eat. It’s my best coping mechanism I have for coping with depression, anxiety, boredom etc. It’s also the only thing I know how to celebrate with when I’m feeling okay, too.

Part of me wants to show you guys all the excessive portions I eat, but part of me wants to hide it and put across some ultra healthy image. because I’m studying to be a Naturopath and almost every day, I think about the fact that I’m not healthy myself, so I’m going to be a terrible Naturopath/Nutritionist. I know WHAT I’m supposed to eat and how much, I’m not stupid. I just have urges that I can’t seem to control. I should’ve taken a photo of every plateful I had, but I didn’t. I left my phone at home when we went to the buffet, so I asked Josh (my husband) to just take one photo of meal-type food and one photo of dessert. But in reality, I had 3 plates of each. No joke. I really don’t know how to stop lately. I’ve gone into a pretty severe binge phase. Before this weekend, I’ve been doing pretty good and managing not to binge.

On friday night, I ate an entire large vegorama pizza from dominos and some garlic bread.

On saturday night, we went to a mexican restaurant.

nacho

Nachoes with salsa, sour cream, guacamole and jalapenos

burrito

Cheese burrito, frijoles, rice, bean taco

alchol

Melon (midori) margarita and beer

Then on sunday night, we went to a buffet?!

buffet

buffet2

This only represents like half or 1/3 of what I ate.

I mean, we can’t even afford to go out for dinner ONCE a week right now, let alone 3 times! I think we’re both just stressed and wanting to relax and forget, and food can be used for that. Josh’s job finishes up in 2 weeks and he’s stressed about having to find another job, I’m starting a new job in 2 weeks with absolutely awful hours and split shifts which is stressing me out. Plus we’re in debt as well. But I mean, my husband worked hard for his money and he deserves to do what he wants with it. I don’t think I deserved to have take away 3 nights in a row though :/

But I mean, this post is so doom and gloom… we really had such a fun weekend! The excessive food and spending what we shouldn’t and doing what we shouldn’t… really worked a treat for our moods! So should I feel guilty and like a terrible over indulgent failure or should I just get over it and enjoy life? I really don’t regret it. I just feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to. Maybe I should quit trying to make this blog about weight loss? But I’m supposed to be a Naturopath one day! Surely you can’t be a fat Naturopath/Nutritionist with high cholesterol. Imagine if my future clients ever saw these posts! They’d never come back to me because they’d realise I was a fraud. You have to be a freakin’ health guru to be a good Naturopath, I reckon. To me it seems like you gotta be the whole package, and someone for clients to WANT to be like. You have to inspire them. Lately, I always question whether I picked the right field to study in.

I guess part of me does strive to be a healthy inspiring Naturopath. But then I feel so much pressure when I think about it and it feels impossible to achieve. A big part of me just wants to binge eat every day and lie on the couch.

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