This weekend was so bad yet so good.
I really did enjoy what I ate this weekend. But of course I feel terrible, because it wasn’t healthy, WAY too much fat and salt, and being fat is terrible and blahblahblah. Buuuut, yeah. I did enjoy it. I still binge eat and sometimes I really like binge eating. A lot of the time, it feels way more worth it to binge and be fat, than to not binge and be a normal weight. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t binge eat. It’s my best coping mechanism I have for coping with depression, anxiety, boredom etc. It’s also the only thing I know how to celebrate with when I’m feeling okay, too.
Part of me wants to show you guys all the excessive portions I eat, but part of me wants to hide it and put across some ultra healthy image. because I’m studying to be a Naturopath and almost every day, I think about the fact that I’m not healthy myself, so I’m going to be a terrible Naturopath/Nutritionist. I know WHAT I’m supposed to eat and how much, I’m not stupid. I just have urges that I can’t seem to control. I should’ve taken a photo of every plateful I had, but I didn’t. I left my phone at home when we went to the buffet, so I asked Josh (my husband) to just take one photo of meal-type food and one photo of dessert. But in reality, I had 3 plates of each. No joke. I really don’t know how to stop lately. I’ve gone into a pretty severe binge phase. Before this weekend, I’ve been doing pretty good and managing not to binge.
On friday night, I ate an entire large vegorama pizza from dominos and some garlic bread.
On saturday night, we went to a mexican restaurant.
Nachoes with salsa, sour cream, guacamole and jalapenos
Cheese burrito, frijoles, rice, bean taco
Melon (midori) margarita and beer
Then on sunday night, we went to a buffet?!
This only represents like half or 1/3 of what I ate.
I mean, we can’t even afford to go out for dinner ONCE a week right now, let alone 3 times! I think we’re both just stressed and wanting to relax and forget, and food can be used for that. Josh’s job finishes up in 2 weeks and he’s stressed about having to find another job, I’m starting a new job in 2 weeks with absolutely awful hours and split shifts which is stressing me out. Plus we’re in debt as well. But I mean, my husband worked hard for his money and he deserves to do what he wants with it. I don’t think I deserved to have take away 3 nights in a row though :/
But I mean, this post is so doom and gloom… we really had such a fun weekend! The excessive food and spending what we shouldn’t and doing what we shouldn’t… really worked a treat for our moods! So should I feel guilty and like a terrible over indulgent failure or should I just get over it and enjoy life? I really don’t regret it. I just feel guilty because I know I’m supposed to. Maybe I should quit trying to make this blog about weight loss? But I’m supposed to be a Naturopath one day! Surely you can’t be a fat Naturopath/Nutritionist with high cholesterol. Imagine if my future clients ever saw these posts! They’d never come back to me because they’d realise I was a fraud. You have to be a freakin’ health guru to be a good Naturopath, I reckon. To me it seems like you gotta be the whole package, and someone for clients to WANT to be like. You have to inspire them. Lately, I always question whether I picked the right field to study in.
I guess part of me does strive to be a healthy inspiring Naturopath. But then I feel so much pressure when I think about it and it feels impossible to achieve. A big part of me just wants to binge eat every day and lie on the couch.